Lets Talk About Pronouns

"Hi there. I'm Roy, and my pronouns are he/him."

This is how I open any workshop or training session - but why?

Today, the 20th of October, is International Pronouns Day - a day that aims "to make respecting, sharing, and educating about personal pronouns commonplace." A pronoun is any word that is used in place of a noun, but in this specific context we're talking about third-person personal pronouns, which you use to talk about a person when you aren't using their name. In English, these personal pronouns are often gendered, like "he/him" or "she/her".

Non-binary people may use gender-neutral pronouns like "they/them" - to be clear, this is grammatically correct to use as a singular pronoun and we use it in English all the time without even realising it. If you got on a train and discovered a mobile phone on the seat next to you, you'd probably think to yourself "Someone has lost their phone" - it's only one person who has lost a phone but you don't know their gender.

For trans and non-binary people, those around them using their correct pronouns can be a powerful and validating experience. The harassment and invalidation often experienced by trans and non-binary people can sometimes take the form of people deliberately and repeatedly using the wrong pronouns for them.

For cisgender people (i.e. those of us who are not transgender), our pronouns might be something that we take for granted. I have a beard and short hair, don't usually wear visible makeup, and wear clothing that people might consider typically masculine - someone meeting me for the first time would probably make the assumption that I use he/him pronouns. However, judging by appearance (or name) is not always an accurate way to determine someone's pronouns. For a trans or non-binary person, it may not be the case that other people could correctly guess that person's pronouns just by looking at them, so it becomes more important that their correct pronouns are shared in some way.

Nobody is expecting you to be psychic - the best way to find out someone's pronouns if you're meeting them for the first time and want to know how to refer to them is simply to ask. At a previous job, whenever a new person or volunteer started with us, the conversation would go something like this:

"It's nice to meet you. Do you prefer Matthew or Matt or something else? Matt, OK, great. And what are your pronouns? Thanks. Do you want a hot drink?"

It might feel like a clunky question the first time you ask it, but it won't offend anyone and will be the clearest way to ensure you're using the correct pronouns for someone. When I open my workshops with my own pronouns, I potentially make it a lot easier for a trans or non-binary person to say their pronouns too without sticking out like a sore thumb. If we all did this more frequently (in meetings, when we're teaching or training, even in social situations), it would make trans and non-binary people feel more comfortable to share their own pronouns, and also helps to foster the atmosphere of acceptance and understanding that we want to create for all trans people.

Here's one thing you could do today, right now - why not stick your pronouns in your email signature? It normalises people in your organisation or who get emails from you sharing their pronouns, rather than expecting others to assume them correctly from their name or how they look. This isn't just helpful for trans and non-binary people, but also for all those Jordans, Alexes, Morgans and other people with gender-neutral names, or for those with names not as easily gendered by English-speakers.

A really important note around sharing pronouns - it shouldn't ever be something that is mandatory. Some people may not be "out" about their gender identity or their preferred pronouns or are only "out" within certain groups and settings, and others might still be questioning what pronouns they want to use. Ask people to share their pronouns if they feel comfortable doing so - and if they don't, that's fine too.

But if we can, let's talk about pronouns. It's a little thing but it can go a long way to make trans and non-binary people feel accepted and understood.